Valentines musings

First day of CNY (and Valentine's Day as well). My parents came down from Hong Kong to have the reunion dinner and of course, to make the rounds of visiting family and friends. So that has definitely been nice, having family time, travelling about, stuffing our faces with all the evil goodies at every stop. Lots of good laughs and catching up, but got to thinking quite a bit about some of the interactions I saw.

I reckon most of us are familiar with the whole "When are you getting married? Why no boyfriend yet?" blah blah, etc. All well-intentioned, but understandably annoying probing that single folk go through during these rounds of visitation. What really stood out during one of the stops today was when some related aunty of mine, probably in her 40's was asked if she had a husband or kids. The look on her face, when she shook her head, cast her eyes to the floor and sheepishly replied "mei you"(don't have), struck a chord in me. I really felt sad for her. Then I thought about why.

Was I sad because I felt she was lonely or unhappy with her state of singleness? Nope. The more I thought about it, the more I came to realise, that actually I felt bad for her because I understood how "socially unacceptable" she felt. Phrased like that, I hope it puts some perspective on how sad the situation is in general.

What is worse? - To mary somone you're not that into or not that compatible with, or to stay single, because you haven't found a decent match for the rest of your LIFE journey.

When I play out both scenarios, I can very quickly say that an individual is better off exercising patience, instead of legally committing oneself to a lifetime of social, physical and emotional turmoil on a daily basis. With such a clear call, why do we still perpetuate the social stigma and unacceptable-ness of being single after the age of say 25? Obviously this applies substantially more for ladies in society.

In my opinion, it really bites for ladies or gents that fall into this category. I say this because if they are single and passed a certain age, that's not so good, socially speaking. So to "fix" this, this group of singles need to find someone, a good match. So as part of their efforts to focus their energies towards this fix, they turn to all avenues to find a good match. This may include online/speed dating/agencies. The problem is, THIS IS ALSO not so good, for a pretty large majority in our social context. If an individual engages or gets involved with such means, they are viewed as desperate, needy or are seen as taking part in risky behaviour.

So it's not cool to be single AND it's not cool to take an active approach to dating. What are these people supposed to do then?! A viscious social cycle, that I reckon keeps a lot of people in a really bad place.

On this train of thought, I can only conclude with the following:

1. It's GOOD to be single, if you are exercising patience, looking for a good life partner. We should encourage and enforce this as the right thing to do. THIS should be the norm. Not the current shame and guilt trip that loads of individuals live with everyday.
2. Another cultural shift - applaud individuals who actively take their pursuit of marriage into their own hands. They are actively pursuing their own happiness in life. Why knock them for it? They are brave for doing it, in the midst of the silly social stigmas that surround such dating activities.
3. Take my own advice. Exercise patience - don't settle. No one should settle, especially when the rest of your life is at stake.

Side note - I am taking my own advice. I spent my Valentines Day home alone, watching tv in the dark in my living room. Had a good time, watching some great tv. Patience, self-restraint and clarity of thought. All facilitated through the act of blogging as a close to my Vday and the start of the chinese new year.

A Vday night well spent Brian.

Happy Lunar New Year to all.

Happy Valentines Day to all of those that hav found a good match. You have found something awesome. To the rest of you that KNOW you are settling or are acting out of undue social pressure, let it go. You have a wonderful life at stake :)